My therapist gave me a technique to use whenever I felt panic arising. Look around the room and count the blue things. It was a way of orienting myself: I was safe now, despite all the alarm bells going off in my body warning me to run, get out of here, something terrible is about to happen! As I counted the blue things, I would calm, remembering no, something terrible has already happened. A small consolation, but at least one that grounded me in reality and took me out of my circling thoughts. Which is what Laura’s brownie did too. My senses took over. Warm, gooey, the rich flavor of earthy cacao. It was so delicious, it had to be savored.
Did a dessert cure my postpartum loss? No, a combination of therapy, hard work, and love from friends like Laura, my family, and Ben got me through the physical recovery and grief. But the brownie was important: the first hint that, despite everything, it was possible to feel pleasure again. When I stood in my kitchen, mixing the maple syrup, ghee, and peanut butter in a big glass bowl on my counter, it was the one time during those dark days when I could say with certainty: Something good is on the way.
Two years after that very bad summer, I was pregnant again. At 41 weeks, I went to Labor and Delivery in the same hospital. When I returned home, Laura dropped off daily treats, but this time, I consumed them in the middle of the night while breastfeeding, my newborn daughter’s plump cheek resting against my body.
I’d lost the taste for the brownie (maybe it served its purpose?), but happily lapped up Laura’s latest creation: a salty peanut butter oat pudding, supposedly helpful with lactation. I’m not sure it made a difference, but the treat did have an effect similar to the brownie. Eating it made me pause and notice the moment. The quiet, rhythmic suckling that babies do when feeding. The whir of the white noise machine that helped my daughter fall back asleep. The clinking of my spoon against the mason jar as I scraped up the very last bit of peanut butter. In that moment, I could accept my loss. It happened. And then something else happened too.
Aisha Muharrar is the author of the novel ‘Loved One’ and an Emmy Award–winning writer and producer who has worked on shows like ‘Hacks,’ ‘Parks and Recreation,’ and ‘The Good Place.’
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